Codependency

What is codependency? What’s the definition?

There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions.

However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules.

One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great emotional pain and stress.

*maladaptive – inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.

*compulsive – psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires.

*sources of great emotional pain and stress – chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.

As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.

Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.

How do I know if I’m codependent?

Generally, if you’re feeling unfulfilled consistently in relationships, you tend to be indirect, don’t assert yourself when you have a need, or if you’re able to recognize that you don’t play as much as others, or other people point out that you could be more playful, then most likely you’re codependent.

What are some of the symptoms?

• controlling behavior
• distrust
• perfectionism
• avoidance of feelings
• intimacy problems
• caretaking behavior
• hypervigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger)
• physical illness related to stress

Isn’t everyone codependent?

There are some natural and healthy behaviors mothers do with children that look like codependency. Are people mutually interdependent on each other? Yes. There is perhaps a continuum of codependency that most people might fall under. Maybe this continuum exists because so many people are taught not to be assertive, or to ask directly for their needs to be met but no one can say for sure.

Anne Wilson Schaef believes the whole society is addicted; the object of addiction isn’t the important issue, but rather that the environment sets us up to be addicted to something,  i.e. food, sex, drugs, power, etc.

If that is true, then all of us are either addicts or codependents. From this perspective, society produces a pattern making it hard not to be codependent. But it still doesn’t change that we’re not getting what we need and we’re not feeling fulfilled. Then the question is, how do I become more fulfilled and feel better about myself and the life I’m living?

Why do we become codependent? What causes it?

It’s widely believed that we become codependent through living in systems (families) with rules that hinder development to some degree. The system (usually parents and relatives) has been developed in response to some problem such as alcoholism, mental illness or some other secret or problem.

General rules created within families that may cause codependency include:

• Not talking about problems
• Keeping feelings inside
• Communicating through “triangulation”–one person acts as messenger between two others.
• Being strong, good, right, perfect
• Making family members proud
• Not being selfish
• Doing as you’re told
• Discouraging play and playfulness
• Going along to get along–don’t rock the boat

These kinds of rules can constrict and strain the free and healthy development of people’s self-esteem and coping. As a result, children can develop non-helpful behavior characteristics, problem-solving techniques, and reactions to situations in adult life

How can counseling help?

For people with codependency, individual counseling can teach assertiveness, listening, and communication skills. Counseling can help you become more aware of non-helpful actions/behaviors, and assist in developing new, healthier coping skills.

In the case of codependency though, counseling only helps if the counselor is aware of his own tendency towards codependence, or if the counselor has some understanding about the addictive push in our society. Counselors need to present solid boundries and calm deliberation during sessions with clients. If a counselor develops a working relationship with a client that has codependent qualities, again, the pattern is repeated, and therapy may not be helpful. Some statistics show 50-80% of counselors have not addressed their own codependency issues. So one must be careful in choosing a counselor for this kind of support.

There are also self-help groups for codependency, called CODA groups. More information is available through local alcoholism services. If you can’t find a CODA group, there’s also ACA (adult children of alcoholics groups) that deal with similar issues CODA groups might deal with.

You are co-dependent for sure, if when you die, someone else’s life flashes in front of your eyes.

Codependency is a term used to describe a kind of addiction, a relationship addiction. A person is said to be suffering from codependency when they exhibit caring for a loved one who is suffering from a real addiction to drugs or alcohol. The behavior of the caring individual is said to hinder recovery of the real addict by enabling the addict to continue the addiction.

Co-dependent, or co-alcoholic, was originally defined in the late 1970s and early 1980s to help families and spouses of individuals with alcohol and drug problems. Mostly in line with family systems ideas, the model addressed the family members, especially wives, who “interfered” with the recovery of their spouses. The idea was that the caring behavior manifested by family members and spouses actually “enabled” the addict to continue using.

There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions.

However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition, which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living, and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules.

One of many definitions of codependency is:

A set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experienceing great emotional pain and stress, such as mental illness, chronic physical illness, abuse, divorce, chemical – dependency, etc.

As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. In addition, the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.

Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they are not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people cannot get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.

What are some of the symptoms?

• controlling behaviour
• distrust
• perfectionism
• avoidance of feelings
• intimacy problems
• caretaking behaviour
• hyper-vigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger)
• physical illness related to stress

Characteristics of Codependency

The following is a commonly used list of characteristics of codependency:

1.      My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you

2.      My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you

3.      Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain

4.      My mental attention is focused on you

5.      My mental attention is focused on protecting you

6.      My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way

7.      My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems

8.      My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain

9.      My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests

10. Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me

11. Your behaviour is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me

12. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.

13. I am not aware of what I want – I ask what you want. I am not aware – I assume

14. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you

15. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do

16. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do

17. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship

18. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you

19. I put my values aside in order to connect with you

20. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own

21. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours

Typical Characteristics of a Co-dependant

• I assume responsibility for other’s feelings and behaviors.
• I feel overly responsible for other’s feelings and behaviors.
• I have difficulty in identifying and expressing feelings — Am I Angry? Lonely? Sad? Happy? Joyful?
• I tend to fear and/or worry how others may respond to my feelings.
• I have difficulty in forming and/or maintaining close relationships.
• I am afraid of being hurt and/or rejected by others.
• I am perfectionist and place too many expectations on myself and others.
• I have difficulty making decisions.
• I tend to minimize, alter or even deny the truth about how I feel.
• Other people’s actions and attitudes tend to determine how I respond/react.
• I tend to put other people’s wants and needs first.
• My fear of other’s feelings (anger) determines what I say and do.
• I question or ignore my own values to connect with significant others. I value other’s opinions more than my own.
• My self-esteem is bolstered by outer/other influences. I cannot acknowledge good things about myself.
• My serenity and mental attention is determined by how other’s are feeling and/or behaving.
• I tend to judge everything I do, think, or say harshly; by someone else’s standards — nothing is done, said, or thought “Good Enough”.
• I do not know or believe that being vulnerable and asking for help is both OKAY and NORMAL.
• I do not know that it is OKAY to talk about problems outside the family; or that feelings just are — and it is better to share them than to deny, minimize or justify them.
• I tend to put other people’s wants and needs before my own.
• I am steadfastly loyal — even when the loyalty is unjustified — and personally harmful.
• I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.

Control Patterns

The following “control patterns” are often a large part of codependant behavior:

1.      I must be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.

2.      I value other’s approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.

3.      I agree with others so they will like me.

4.      I focus my attention on protecting others.

5.      I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

6.      I keep score of “good deeds and favors”, becoming very hurt when they are not repaid.

7.      I am very skilled at guessing how other people are feeling.

8.      I can anticipate other’s needs and desires, meeting them before they are asked to be met.

9.      I become resentful when others will not let me help them.

10. I am calm and efficient in other people’s crisis situations.

11. I feel good about myself only when I am helping others.

12. I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.

13. I put aside my own interests and concerns in order to do what others want.

14. I ask for help and nurturing only when I am ill, and then reluctantly.

15. I cannot tolerate seeing others in pain.

16. I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.

17. I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.

18. I attempt to convince others of how they “truly” think and “should” feel.

19. I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.

Enabling

The positive intent of enabling is to end the dependency by “assisting” in some way.

The end result of enabling is that family and friends “assist” in making it possible for the dependency to continue.

Enabling Is:

• Discouraging;
• Stealing the “power” to do something;
• Doing for someone what they can do on their own;
• Constantly neglecting your own needs;
• Fosusing all the energy in my life on the life of another person;
• Helping someone to be helpless;
• Sending the message, “I don’t think you can make it on your own.”;
• Being too concerned with being a “good” friend and doing everything for him or her.

Enabling Behaviors:

1.      Denial – The family telling itself, “He doesn’t have a problem.”

• As a result:
• Families expect the user to act right while “high”.
• Families expect the user to control the reaction to the chemical.
• Families accept the “blame” for doing something “wrong”.

2.      Using with the user. (“She’ll stop when I do.”)

3.      Justifying the drug use. (“It calms her nerves.” “It helps him sleep.”)

4.      Families bottle up feelings. (Pretending I don’t feel hurt.)

5.      Avoiding problems. (Pacifying to keep peace.)

6.      Minimizing. (“He only drinks beer.”)

7.      Protecting. (“He might lose his job. I’d better call him in sick.”)

8.      Avoiding by tranquilizing. (Buy the user drugs to keep them quiet.)

9.      Blaming, lecturing, criticizing. (Trying to control with words.)

10. Acting superior. (Treating the user like a child.)

11. Assuming responsibilities. (The checkbook, the car payments, the rent, etc.)

12. Taking control. (Babysitting.)

13. Enduring and waiting. (“God will take care of it.”)

14. Financial support. (Paying the rent, the child support, etc.)

15. Covering up consequences. (“Let’s pretend it never happened.”)

16. Rewarding “right” behavior. (“If you stay sober, I’ll buy you a car.”)

17. Involvement in treatment to control the treatment.

Enabling is always a dance, an interaction. At least two are involved, at least two people are responsible. Either one can change the dance or stop dancing.

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