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| Hpathy Ezine - February 2008 | ||||
| Codependency -- Dr. Samir Chaukkar |
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| What is codependency? What's the definition? There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions. However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules. One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great emotional pain and stress. *maladaptive - inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met. *compulsive - psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires. *sources of great emotional pain and stress - chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.
As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment. Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship. How do I know if I’m codependent? Generally, if you’re feeling unfulfilled consistently in relationships, you tend to be indirect, don’t assert yourself when you have a need, or if you’re able to recognize that you don’t play as much as others, or other people point out that you could be more playful, then most likely you’re codependent. What are some of the symptoms?
Isn’t everyone codependent? There are some natural and healthy behaviors mothers do with children that look like codependency. Are people mutually interdependent on each other? Yes. There is perhaps a continuum of codependency that most people might fall under. Maybe this continuum exists because so many people are taught not to be assertive, or to ask directly for their needs to be met but no one can say for sure. Anne Wilson Schaef believes the whole society is addicted; the object of addiction isn't the important issue, but rather that the environment sets us up to be addicted to something, i.e. food, sex, drugs, power, etc. If that is true, then all of us are either addicts or codependents. From this perspective, society produces a pattern making it hard not to be codependent. But it still doesn’t change that we’re not getting what we need and we’re not feeling fulfilled. Then the question is, how do I become more fulfilled and feel better about myself and the life I’m living? Why do we become codependent? What causes it? It’s widely believed that we become codependent through living in systems (families) with rules that hinder development to some degree. The system (usually parents and relatives) has been developed in response to some problem such as alcoholism, mental illness or some other secret or problem. General rules created within families that may cause codependency include:
These kinds of rules can constrict and strain the free and healthy development of people’s self-esteem and coping. As a result, children can develop non-helpful behavior characteristics, problem-solving techniques, and reactions to situations in adult life How can counseling help? For people with codependency, individual counseling can teach assertiveness, listening, and communication skills. Counseling can help you become more aware of non-helpful actions/behaviors, and assist in developing new, healthier coping skills. In the case of codependency though, counseling only helps if the counselor is aware of his own tendency towards codependence, or if the counselor has some understanding about the addictive push in our society. Counselors need to present solid boundries and calm deliberation during sessions with clients. If a counselor develops a working relationship with a client that has codependent qualities, again, the pattern is repeated, and therapy may not be helpful. Some statistics show 50-80% of counselors have not addressed their own codependency issues. So one must be careful in choosing a counselor for this kind of support. There are also self-help groups for codependency, called CODA groups. More information is available through local alcoholism services. If you can’t find a CODA group, there’s also ACA (adult children of alcoholics groups) that deal with similar issues CODA groups might deal with. You are co-dependent for sure, if when you die, someone else's life flashes in front of your eyes. Codependency is a term used to describe a kind of addiction, a relationship addiction. A person is said to be suffering from codependency when they exhibit caring for a loved one who is suffering from a real addiction to drugs or alcohol. The behavior of the caring individual is said to hinder recovery of the real addict by enabling the addict to continue the addiction. Co-dependent, or co-alcoholic, was originally defined in the late 1970s and early 1980s to help families and spouses of individuals with alcohol and drug problems. Mostly in line with family systems ideas, the model addressed the family members, especially wives, who "interfered" with the recovery of their spouses. The idea was that the caring behavior manifested by family members and spouses actually "enabled" the addict to continue using. There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions. However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition, which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living, and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules. One of many definitions of codependency is: A set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experienceing great emotional pain and stress, such as mental illness, chronic physical illness, abuse, divorce, chemical - dependency, etc. As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. In addition, the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment. Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they are not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people cannot get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship. What are some of the symptoms?
Characteristics of Codependency The following is a commonly used list of characteristics of codependency: 1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you 2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you 3. Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain 4. My mental attention is focused on you 5. My mental attention is focused on protecting you 6. My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way 7. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems 8. My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain 9. My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests 10. Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me 11. Your behaviour is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me 12. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel. 13. I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume 14. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you 15. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do 16. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do 17. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship 18. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you 19. I put my values aside in order to connect with you 20. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own 21. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours Typical Characteristics of a Co-dependant
Control Patterns The following "control patterns" are often a large part of codependant behavior: 1. I must be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others. 2. I value other's approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own. 3. I agree with others so they will like me. 4. I focus my attention on protecting others. 5. I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves. 6. I keep score of "good deeds and favors", becoming very hurt when they are not repaid. 7. I am very skilled at guessing how other people are feeling. 8. I can anticipate other's needs and desires, meeting them before they are asked to be met. 9. I become resentful when others will not let me help them. 10. I am calm and efficient in other people's crisis situations. 11. I feel good about myself only when I am helping others. 12. I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked. 13. I put aside my own interests and concerns in order to do what others want. 14. I ask for help and nurturing only when I am ill, and then reluctantly. 15. I cannot tolerate seeing others in pain. 16. I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about. 17. I use sex to gain approval and acceptance. 18. I attempt to convince others of how they "truly" think and "should" feel. 19. I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others. Enabling The positive intent of enabling is to end the dependency by "assisting" in some way. The end result of enabling is that family and friends "assist" in making it possible for the dependency to continue. Enabling Is:
Enabling Behaviors: 1. Denial - The family telling itself, "He doesn't have a problem."
2. Using with the user. ("She'll stop when I do.") 3. Justifying the drug use. ("It calms her nerves." "It helps him sleep.") 4. Families bottle up feelings. (Pretending I don't feel hurt.) 5. Avoiding problems. (Pacifying to keep peace.) 6. Minimizing. ("He only drinks beer.") 7. Protecting. ("He might lose his job. I'd better call him in sick.") 8. Avoiding by tranquilizing. (Buy the user drugs to keep them quiet.) 9. Blaming, lecturing, criticizing. (Trying to control with words.) 10. Acting superior. (Treating the user like a child.) 11. Assuming responsibilities. (The checkbook, the car payments, the rent, etc.) 12. Taking control. (Babysitting.) 13. Enduring and waiting. ("God will take care of it.") 14. Financial support. (Paying the rent, the child support, etc.) 15. Covering up consequences. ("Let's pretend it never happened.") 16. Rewarding "right" behavior. ("If you stay sober, I'll buy you a car.") 17. Involvement in treatment to control the treatment. Enabling is always a dance, an interaction. At least two are involved, at least two people are responsible. Either one can change the dance or stop dancing. Enabling Behaviour What is enabling? Dictionary: Make able, give power or strength. In the context of addiction: Helping to preserve, protect and maintain addictive behaviour. When does enabling occur? Following are some common patterns of enabling behaviour: --When you put up a brave front -- When you work hard to keep a peaceful and stable home -- When you try to protect everyone around you from pain and suffering. Addiction is a progressive disease that can only get worse without proper help. An Addict will try maneuvering you into helping him or her maintain the substance abuse. Codependents are motivated to ‘enable’ this substance abuse for various compelling social and personal reasons. These reasons can often appear to be ‘good’ and ‘generous’, but in the presence of addiction, they become twisted and misused. Here are some examples of common enabling behaviour seen amongst Codependents. Let us see how each one of them effects both you and the addict. Peace at any price Wives are often seen shushing the children when the addict makes unreasonable demands. She would not support the child’s reasonable position because of the threat of anger of the addict. The wife ends up fulfilling all those ‘wrong’ demands of the addict, negating the reality. Thus, she is often found dropping all the good things she actually liked doing because she doesn’t want the husband ‘loosing his temper’ over such ‘small’ things. But what is it that is actually happening here? The wife actually betrayed her own standards and accepted the unacceptable as a trade –off for a ‘little peace and quiet’. This sort of constant tension damages one in many subtle ways. It keeps you from paying attention to your own life, pleasures and needs. In the long run, it also results in physical/psychological morbidity. And finally, if you keep dancing to his/her tune, you are making him/her believe things are just fine, as a result of which (s)he becomes more unreasonable. Conspiracy of silence One has always been told not to wash the dirty linen in public. No matter how hurtful, crude, intimidating and violent the addict is, no matter how ‘embarrassing’ you find his/her behaviour, you want to keep quiet about it. The message that is passed on through this silence is ‘It’s okay to behave this way’. Example: Husband gets drunk at a party, creates a ruckus, and drives back home. Wife keeps her mouth shut through out the evening, trying to ‘ignore’ the embarrassment. The underlying message: -- He is not drunk enough to be out of control -- I would rather be dead than be embarrassed, so I let him drive the car in this state -- Allowed him to maintain the comfortable delusion that he is in control of himself. Getting you to feel guilty All our lives we have learnt to be ‘good’. A good child, a good spouse, a good parent, and so on. An addict is known to manipulate this feeling that we have in us. (S)he might make statements like: -- If you really love me -- If you were not a nagging wife -- If you were a good mother The real message is: You have to behave ‘my’ way. YOU are the problem, not me. He has harnessed your guilt to maintain and protect his/her habit. However, your guilt does not have to lead you by the nose. Your sense of duty/responsibility It is not upto you to be the ‘perfect’ one in the family. The need to be responsible and dutiful can backfire just like the feeling of guilt. You need to realize that your kindness and sympathy are misplaced. You are again giving messages like: -- he does not have to suffer any consequences for his/her addictive behaviour -- It is okay to be incompetent and irresponsible, because I will do it for you. This enabling behaviour has some negative consequences on the addict as well. (S)he has an already low self esteem, which goes down further, making the substance even more necessary and attractive. Lack of actual responsibility also makes drinking more comfortable. Explaining it all the way Family members, especially co-dependents are often found giving ‘reasons’ that would explain the substance abuse. One often hears statements like “The job is stressful” “How else do you deal with the death of your own child” “His circle of friends is responsible for this” “His marriage is rotten” One need not discount these circumstances as they might have acted as triggering factors for addiction. However, they may also be the ‘results’ of addictive behaviour. How to stop? One must keep in mind one important thing, enabling behaviour of co-dependents and family members actually denies the addict a chance of recovery. You really cannot stop the enabling behaviour all at once. Before trying to stop the action, you can try acting on your thoughts. There are three thoughts that may help you stop before you plunge into one more of those behaviours. They are: 1. Is it really helping? Rethink everything you have learnt till now. All your life you have ‘learnt’ to behave in a particular manner. Can you stop and examine each one of them? Before acting, can you consider the consequences for you as well as the addict? You can try ‘THOUGHT STOPPERS’ like “WAIT”, “STOP” each time such delinquent thoughts come to your mind. 2. Whose responsibility is it? You need to re-examine the actions that do not allow the addict to experience the full consequences of his/her actions. You need to ask yourself repeatedly who is responsible for the things going wrong in his/her life. 3. What are my motives? You need to relook into the ‘real’ motives behind your enabling behaviour.
It is not an easy job to examine one’s own self, one’s own motives behind the apparent ‘caring’ and ‘responsible’ behaviour. You would probably find yourself all alone in this new path. However, the self –help groups like AA for family members may be able to provide you with the much-needed guidance and support in this path of self-discovery. -- Next Page --> |
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-------------------------------------------- Dr. Samir Chaukkar |
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